Farewell for now..

One of the hardest things for me to do in life is say goodbye to those that I care deeply about. Many times I just try to ignore the fact that I have to leave, just so that I do not have to feel the pain. As you can probably guess by now I will be leaving Chad…Just writing that sentence makes my heart pound faster and begin to try to run away. I have been trying to hide from this fact for a while. I went back and forth in my heart and mind on which is the next path to take in life. One path seems good and the other seems better. This is one of those points in life where I wish that I could have it all. The other week this is what I wrote:

     If I just keep it inside will it still hurt as much? If I just seal my lips will it allow me to escape reality? If I don't face the music will it just pass by? That is how I think things work sometimes. It is just easier to not deal with it cause the pain is just too great. If I just hold off a little longer maybe things will turn around then I wont have to deal with the pain. I don't want to admit that I am leaving Chad. I do not want to tell those I am closest to because it hurts to just mention it. When the words escape my lips and they ask me why I scrunch up my eyes to hold in the tears that are eager to fall. So instead I just ignore it and fight within if this is the right thing to do.
 
The raw pain that I feel inside is very much real. Honestly, there were times when I would cry at the thought of me leaving. People back home are eager for me to come back to their lives living in America. They think that it is the best thing and most logical thing for me to do. Some think that this place is just so full of hardship and pain that I would surely be running back home. When I have gone home in the past for a break there are people who are so excited because they think that I am home for good. When I inform them that I am going back they look at me in such disbelief..why would I ever want to go back! Why wouldn't I want to go back? Chad has become my home. I have friends, family, a home, and work. When I walk down the street sometimes I feel like the theme song for the TV Show Cheers “I want to go to a place where everybody knows my name.” The place where everybody knows my name is Bere, Chad. I have oddly fallen in love with this village that is on the other side of the world tucked between a few bushes.

I will not tell you that life in Chad is easy. I won’t lie and say that there are beautiful sceneries everywhere. I will not say that all the food is just great. I won’t say that I see lions, giraffes, and monkeys walking around. I will not say that everyone is full of love and wants to get to know you. What I will tell you that you can find beauty within the things that do not seem as nice. You can find people that capture your heart and soul. You will find those people that make you realize that you aren’t as giving as you thought, because they are poor yet give so much away. You will find those people who smile and wave at you like you are their best friend. You will find those babies that tug at your heart strings and make you want to take them home. You find peace when you look into the night sky without light pollution and be able to see the milky way clearer than ever. You can find those people that are eager to help if you are lost, broken down, or in need of help. You will find those people that sing songs of gladness just because you gave them a ride to their destination. You will see people from various tribes with rich cultures. What I have found in Bere is beauty.. Beauty in the people. Beauty in the places I have gone. Beauty in the simplicity of life. Beauty in the actions of some people. Not too often do you go somewhere and find such beauty.

Now can you understand why it is so much harder for me to leave this place! Don’t get me wrong, I do have those days when my rose tinted glasses are taken off and all I see is the darkness. It can be easier to just look at the things that get you so frustrated and annoyed with a place. You will find those that hurt you rather than bless you. I have those sick days where I just want to leave, because I know I won’t have to deal with the pain anymore. I just want to eat good food from home and chat with my family some days. I have those days when I just want to have a family member or friend give me a hug. What the challenge is, is finding the joy, peace, love, trust, and thankfulness through the hurt, pain, suffering, heartache, and loneliness. You know that you really do like a place when at the end of the day, in spite of all the negative things, you still would rather stay there than any other place.

??? After all of this you are probably confused on why I am leaving when I feel so connected to this place.  ???

I felt like Jacob wrestling God and waiting impatiently for His answer for His will for my life. After much prayer, talking to others, and God telling me numerous times to be still, I finally stopped fighting. I stopped fighting the fear of leaving this place. Truthfully, I am more worried about leaving because I don't know if I will ever make it back to my other home again. It is not like Chad is a vacation destination and an easy place to get to. When I looked within myself I saw that mixed in with the pain of leaving here was the longing to be back home. I miss family and friends dearly, which is expected. I am missing out on my niece and nephew growing up, I think that is what hurts me the most. I also feel deep within that this chapter of my life is finished, no matter how painful it is to turn the page I still have to do it. I think that it is time to find another job and see what God has planned for me next. With a very heavy heart with tears streaming within my heart and on the outside I came to the decision that this is the end of my experience here. Deep inside I do hope that I can come back and be able to see the same smiling faces that have taken a place within my heart. I do want to continue to help those in need here even though I will be an ocean away. This journey that I am going to embark upon is not going to be an easy one, but I know that God is still holding my hand. I will leave behind a lot of wonderful people and experiences, but all of these things will still be within my heart.
The place that I was so afraid to come to is now the place that I am so afraid to leave..its crazy how the story changes. What my experiences here have taught me is that no matter how crazy of an idea it may seem God is asking of you when you do it you will see that it is the best thing you could have ever done. I have only a few weeks left in Chad before I embark on my journey back to America. What is next? I still do not know, but that is what makes the journey more interesting. Pray for whatever is next for me, that I will face it with great courage and hope.

 
~ Sometimes the pages you have to turn in life are very difficult, but it is the most important thing you can do so you can see what the next chapter has written for your life. ~